Voldemort Takes Therapy
by Talvana
Summary: We all know dear old Voldey needs help, well now he's going to get it! It's fun, it's random, it's what I do!
1. Chapter 1

**Voldemort Takes Therapy**

**Disclaimer: Would JK Rowling have the initiative let alone the low brain capacity to write something like this!?**

**A/N: I was checking my reviews and this idea hit me and I wanted to write a fic that I could use to make fun of Voldemort with. And so, read on, send reviews, make fun of it, do whatever you want!**

Chapter 1:

Voldemort walked up the last flight of stairs. He turned right and strutted down the hall, just glancing at the room numbers. _380 381 382 383,_ he stopped at the door that read:

_Room 384_

_Doctor Crane_

_Specialist in Evil Followers, Dark Lords, and Ex-Wives._

Voldemort knocked with his left fist; his right clutching the handle of his wand.

"Come in," the therapist called from inside. Voldemort pulled on the handle but the door wouldn't open. He raised his wand and the wood shattered into the room; along with a mysterious _Push_ sigh. Voldemort stepped in. "Dark Lord formally known as Tom Marvolo Riddle?" Doctor Crane said looking at his clipboard. He didn't seem to even notice that his door had just been shattered.

Voldemort was walking around the room studying the titles on the spines of the many books. _A Study of the Evil Minds, Resist the Pressure to Join the Dark Arts, Letting Go of Your Evil Ambitions for Dummies, It's Okay to Blame Your Ex-Husband_. "Formally, yes," Voldemort replied.

"Now known-"

"And feared," Voldemort corrected.

Crane studied Voldemort's expression, than scribbled down on his paper, _takes pride in being feared_. Crane then finished his original sentence, "-as Voldemort."

"Yes," Voldemort said, not looking back at the therapist. He was flipping through a book called _Killing Doesn't Bring Happiness_ as Crane scribbled a few more notes on his paper.

Voldemort sneered as he put the book back on the shelf. He whole heartedly disagreed with the title.

"You can have a seat if you like," Crane offered smiling. Voldemort looked across the room at a long chair that's back didn't go up that high. Voldemort walked over to the chair and sat, or more, laid down. From this position Voldemort had a giant window on his left and Doctor Crane on his right sitting in a normal chair.

Doctor Crane looked up at the door, or what was left of it anyway. "Is that how you normally enter a room?" he asked with a very calm voice.

"Only if the door won't open," Voldemort said more to the door than to Crane.

"It certainly will get the attention of whoever's in the room," Crane said chuckling.

Voldemort looked up at him and smiled rather evilly, "I think I should be noticed when I enter a room."

"Why do you think that?" Crane asked intrigued by Voldemort's reply.

"Because I'm special!" Voldemort smiled even wider. Crane wrote down a few more notes. After a moment Voldemort asked, "Isn't Evil Followers, Dark Lords, and Ex-Wives and odd combination to study?"

"I find they all have a common problem," Crane said.

"What's that?"

"They all seem to be out to kill someone, either a traitor, an arch enemy, or an ex-husband."

**A/N: That was really, really, really not good. I have way funnier ideas for this fic, but I had to get it started so hopefully the chapters will get better as the story goes on. The ex-wife thing I came up with on the spot, so that's really random. But randomness is good! I was actually just writing this as I went, so yeah. Please send reviews and feel free to send in ideas because I have a very open mind when it comes to my fics. Oh, and thanks for reading, more to come soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Voldemort Takes Therapy**

**Disclaimer: (goes to get mirror) Nope, still not JK Rowling.**

**A/N: If you're coming back to read this next chapter than I thank you, I know the first wasn't anything that special but I promise that this fic will get much better as the chapters go on. Enjoy!**

Chapter 2:

Doctor Crane wrote down his opinion of Voldemort's last comment. Then he asked, "Now, is there any other influences from the outside world, from a follower, an enemy, a family member, that could be causing your anger?"

Voldemort thought about it for a moment, "I guess that the pressure of being a good leader to my fellow Death Eaters could cause something like that."

"Do they ever expect too much of you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you ever feel like their expecting too much out of you? More than you can handle?"

Voldemort realized that that was exactly the case. He sniffled once or twice as he said, "They do I guess. They always expect me to be this and that. It puts a lot of pressure on a guy. You know." Voldemort held in the tears that were building up; not realizing that he was going a bit emo.

"Tissue?" Crane offered, holding out a box of tissues for him.

"Thanks," Voldemort sat up in the chair and took one. He struggled to get the tissue in place. Bad nose job.

**A/N: Yes it was short, I know. But after that last sentence I was like, "You know what, I'm done." So, yeah, I don't think this was that much better then first chapter, but the next chapter involves Voldemort getting his rage out in a healthy way. Stay tuned!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Voldemort Takes Therapy**

**Disclaimer: Okay, I just bothered to type the word "Disclaimer." Now why would I do that if I was JK Rowling?**

**A/N: Okay, the first two chapies were slightly suckish. I think this will be a bit better. (crosses fingers) **

…

**Wow! Hard to type with your fingers crossed.**

Chapter 3:

"Okay, I think we should try to get all this anger out in a healthy way," Dr. Crane said, setting his clipboard down on his desk and walking over to the closet that Voldemort only just noticed.

Voldemort stood up and asked hopefully, "Are we going murdering?"

"No," Dr. Crane said as he pulled a dart board out of his closet, "I find that murdering is a very negative and overly aggressive way to get out anger." He hung the dart board on a nail that was all ready in the wall. "Darts are a much better outlet."

If he had any, Voldemort would have raised an eyebrow. "Darts?" he asked.

"Yes," Crane said pulling a handful of red darts from a drawer in the closet. "Okay, out of all the people you have come to dislike; take a moment and think; who do you hate the mos-"

"Harry Potter."

"Alright, can you conjure up a picture of him?"

"Cha," Voldemort said, as though the question itself was an insult. He waved his wand and a picture of Harry Potter appeared in Dr. Crane's open hand.

"Here, you take these," Dr. Crane handed Voldemort the darts and Voldemort took them as he put his wand away.

Crane got a tack from his desk and stuck the picture on the dart board. "Now throw those darts as hard as you can at him. Get all that hate and rage out."

Voldemort thought that this whole idea was stupid compared to the rush of killing; but he figured he'd give it a go anyhow.

Voldemort had never played darts before; not counting the occasional Death Eater birthday party. But there they had always thrown snake fangs, forks, and other relatively pointy objects at Pettigrew's rear and told him it was customary.

He hit Harry in the eyes mostly, and his scar quite a few times and found that the dart throwing was getting more satisfying after each shot. After the picture had been hit so many times no one would be able to tell who the picture was of, Dr. Crane asked, "Feel a little bit better?"

"Yeah," Voldemort said; breathing hard from the rush hitting Potter had given him. A sensation he had never known. "Frankly, I think I may carry some darts with me from now on. For some reason, when it comes to Potter, the darts might be more deadly then that stinkin' killing curse."

**A/N: Okay, not my best ending. I thought that line would be funny but I think this chapter turned out pretty good. The whole Death Eater birthday party thing I came up with on the spot; but I like it. As soon as I think of another idea I'll be sure to write the next chapter because this is fun! Send reviews!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Voldemort Takes Therapy**

**Disclaimer: All characters and people that appear in this fic were not created by me; I'm not JK Rowling, or any of the other character creator people…or God.**

**A/N: This fic is going to get REALLY weird. Just for this chapter, I'm going to venture outside of the Harry Potter world and you will soon see why. I hope it turns out as funny as I imaged it.**

Chapter 4:

"Okay Voldemort, we're going to go downstairs to the group meeting now. All of the patients with problems similar to yours are going to get together and I want you to admit that you have a problem. That's the first step to getting through all this," Dr. Crane walked over to the shattered remains of his door and stepped into the hall. Then turned around and waited for Voldemort to follow.

As they walked down stairs, Voldemort asked, "Can't I throw more darts at Harry?" He asked like a little kid pleading their mom for a cookie.

Crane chuckled as he held a door open for Voldemort on the bottom floor, "Maybe later."

He entered a light room with a bunch of chairs set in a circle. Only a few people were there. Voldemort took a seat to the right of a pale man with black hair and a white high-light. He noticed that almost all of the people had a weapon of some sort. He had his wand; the man of his left had a knife that Voldemort thought looked a bit like a barber's blade. Then a very strange sight caught Voldemort's eye. Across the room a man dressed in all black, leading a saddled black horse was taking a seat. He had a black cape and a sword at his side that seemed unusually sharp. As he sat down he held onto the reins of the horse; but the strange thing about this man was that he had no head.

Since there were so many open seats on his right, Voldemort considered putting his feet up; but decided against it.

Other interesting people came in over the next few minutes. None Voldemort noticed, except one. When a few more had come in, of all people, Remus Lupin entered the room. He noticed Voldemort at the exact same moment Voldemort noticed him. "Hey, Lupin! What are you doing here?"

Lupin walked over to Voldemort and took a seat on his right. "You'll have to wait till I have to say to the group just like everyone else."

"So, what exactly do we all have in common?" Voldemort asked. He was glad that someone he knew had shown up. Plus, he now had a reason to lean to his right because the pale man on his left was freaking him out.

"We all have unhealthy obsessions," Lupin said.

"And a lot are also freaks," Voldemort said, scanning the room. "But Lupin, besides the whole were-wolf deal, you never seemed to be that much of a freak."

"Like I said," Lupin sighed, "Just wait and see."

After a few more came in, all the seats still weren't filled, but Dr. Crane closed the door and stepped into the center of the circle. "Alright, this is part of all your sessions so yes, you are all supposed to be here. Now, this could take a few minutes, than you can all go back to your rooms, or it could take hours; it's up to you. All you have to do is state your name to the group, and admit to your problem. Once everyone has done so, your can all return to your sessions. We'll start with you…" Crane pointed to a man who, compared to some in the group, didn't look like a total freak.

The man didn't speak for a moment then took a breath and said, "My name is Hitler and I'm a perfectionist."

They went around the circle clockwise and when they got to the man with the horse and no head, Voldemort wondered how he could admit anything. But Crane pulled a chalk board on wheels out of a closet and pushed it over to where the man sat. Then handed him a piece of white chalk and the man wrote on the board, "My name is The Headless Horseman…"

Voldemort leaned over to Lupin and whispered, "How original." Lupin chuckled quietly.

The horseman continued to write, "…and I have a head chopping problem." He handed the chalk back to Crane who pushed the board back into the closet.

When the group came to Lupin, Voldemort was curious about what Lupin's problem was. Lupin said to the group, not to willingly, "My name is Remus Lupin…and…uh…I have a chocolate problem." Voldemort didn't want to be rude, so he resisted the urge to laugh.

Voldemort then said to the group, "My name is Voldemort and I have a murdering problem."

Then Voldemort turned his head to the man on his left. He was quiet for a moment as the group waited for him to say something. After a minute or so he said in a voice that gave even Voldemort the chills, "My name is Sweeney Todd and I have a throat slitting problem."

No one refused to talk, so Voldemort and everyone else got to go back to their sessions after a few minutes. He said bye to Lupin as they walked out the door and headed in different directions. When Voldemort saw the Sweeney guy out of the corner of his eye he let him pass and was never happier that he was bald and had no need for a shave.

**A/N: Okay, so that was really weird. I was half making it up as I went because I had almost no idea how I was going to make this chapter work. I know I left the Harry Potter world, which is kind of cheating, but I wanted to do the Sweeney Todd thing. AND I WANT TO SEE THAT MOVIE!!! Anyway, send me reviews on this chapter especially because I really want to know what you thought of this one. More to come; and Tassel630, I'll try to use your idea in a future chapter.**


	5. Chapter 5

Voldemort Takes Therapy

**Voldemort Takes Therapy**

**Disclaimer: You get the idea.**

**A/N: I'm soooo sorry I disappeared from fanfiction. Especially when a bunch of my fics were at their heights. But I'm back now and I hope everyone forgives me for not updating in months. **

Chapter 5:

"Okay, Voldemort, here's a question. Being a Dark Lord comes with a lot of responsibility, right?" Dr. Crane held his pencil at the ready on his clipboard.

Voldemort answered simply, "Of course it does. With the Follower meetings, the standards you have to meet as a leader, the image you have to display to the public…"

"And from what I've seen and heard you're quite responsible in most of those areas," Crane stated.

"Well yes I-" Voldemort cut off himself and looked at Dr. Crane with a question in his slit eyes. "Most?"

Crane smiled. He seemed pleased that he had gotten what he wanted from Voldemort. "Yes, most. I've spoken to your followers prier to this session and I think you need to have a responsibility exercise."

"Which of my followers?" Voldemort said, a bit enraged by this.

"They all asked to remain anonymous. Can't say I blame them," Crane said.

"Eh," Voldemort muttered. He couldn't blame them for that either. It was probably in the best interest of their lives.

"So, I've found in my experience that the best way to learn how to be responsible is to care for a pet," Crane said and got up. He set down his pencil and clipboard and walked over to his desk. He leaned down out of sight to get something from underneath it.

All this time Voldemort was on a rant. "I have a pet! Well, more of an animal follower. Nagini. She's very loyal."

Crane poked his head up from under the desk and said, "Do you take care of her? You said yourself she's more of a follower. Do you feed her? Clean up after her? Care for her in any way like that?"

"Well, no I guess," Voldemort admitted reluctantly. "She hunts herself. Doesn't stay in a cage or anything like that. Okay fine. I suppose she's not really a pet."

Crane smiled and leaned back under the desk. "Well, I have a pet of my own that you can borrow for a day to care for. One thing is that Nagini is an adult and younger animals teach more responsibility because they need more care and attention." He stood up and set a carrier on his desk. The door of the carrier faced him so Voldemort couldn't see what was inside it. Crane pulled something out from the cage and walked over to Voldemort with his hands behind his back.

"So what am I caring for?" Voldemort asked suspiciously.

"A kitten," Crane said with his hands still behind his back.

"WHAT?! That is the stupidest, dumbest, most pointless-" Voldemort continued to rant and Crane held out a white kitten with black paws and ears and a pink nose. "-useless thing I have ever-Oh, it's so cute!" Voldemort took the kitten and touched it's nose to his. Well, what he had for a nose anyway. His voice suddenly went very high pitched, even higher than normal, as he said, "Aww! Who's cute? Who's a cute little kitten? I'll call you Fluffy-Doodles!"

**A/N: What can I say after a chapter like that? Fluffy-Doodles will reappear in the next chapter so this story of "responsibility" IS unfinished. I'm not just going to end this here and go to another story in the next chapter like I was going to. This is too ridiculous to end here. I hope this and the future chapter(s) with the kitten are as funny as I pictured them. Please review and I'm sorry again for not updating in forever. **


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